This past February has been one of the lowest months I've experienced in a long time. I can clearly pinpoint two conversations that triggered this depression, one with a stranger and the other with my mother.
The first conversation happened in the context of an appointment. A friend had highly recommended me to book a free session with a coach and so I did. Emails between us flew back and forth and he wrote "I
will set aside 2 hours and we can dive into all the ideas and
challenges you might be facing and see if we can send you off with a
breakthrough. (I would not charge you for this Becca)." I had high hopes going into our time together that it was going to be a knockout experience. And boy, did it knock me out, like a sucker punch to my stomach.
As usual I was being my candid self and freely sharing with him what was happening in my life. Somehow I brought to his attention that in January, I asked the universe to manifest $500 in my life and was awestruck that I received so much more! It wasn't in the form of cold hard cash but free opportunities that would usually cost hundreds of dollars. Then I told him because of this experience, I am asking for $2000 in February.
This was when things started going sour. Suddenly he was in a hurry to wrap up our session and didn't know what other help he could offer. Our session ended up being less than 40 minutes and what's worse, he cancelled the Facebook friend request he sent me just prior to our appointment! It was a big blow to me to be treated this way and I felt really bummed out. It seemed like he was only interested in my money and when he realized I didn't have much, he dropped me like a hot potato.
A few days later I told my mom about this incident. She reacted by saying "why do you have to keep on meeting new people and going to so many different events?" She was saying this because her protective mama bear instincts were showing up, but to me, it felt like she was trying to keep me safe in a box when what I love to do most is explore and interact with the world.
So I started retreating within and wondering if I should keep going to the new communities I had recently joined, groups that brought much joy and encouragement to my life. Now I felt guilty going to those groups because my mom did not approve of these outings, thinking I may get hurt again. I stopped attending meetings and being active on Facebook, whereas before I would constantly share quotes or information I found interesting or inspirational. This has lasted over a month and today is the first day I'm breaking the silence.
My lesson this February is that I still have a long way to go in my journey of holistic mental wellness. I continue to struggle with the mantra "don't take anything personally" and there is much to learn in developing better emotional hygiene so I don't keep on picking the wounds that need to heal. Writing out my experience in this blog post has helped me process it more and understand myself better at the same time. The way the coach and my mom reacted to my words had more to do with their worldview than my own. Something I said triggered their fear and one decided to run while the other jumped to protection mode. My own reactions reveal that my fear continues to lie in what others think about me. I need to drop this burden and and start living on my own terms instead of everyone else's. There's no magic wand to make this happen instantly so I promise to be patient with myself and learn from my mistakes (which are really lessons in disguise) every step on this road to wholeness.
The popular expression "never say never" has become very true in my own life. The most recent example occurred this month, where I have been actively manifesting an opportunity for me to share my mental wellness journey publicly, to coincide with Bell Let's Talk Day on January 28th.
My former self would never believe that this could happen. I have always been an introvert who had a huge fear of public speaking. Presentations were my least favourite thing to do in school, and when I had to do them, all I could manage was to read verbatim from my prepared script.
This talk was different. I wasn't delivering it so I could earn good marks. I was sharing my story so I could inspire and empower my audience.
I am super thankful that Nexus Youth Centre accepted my invitation to speak only a week before the big day. They welcomed me into their community with open arms last night and I feel it is the best place ever to begin my public speaking experience. About 15 youth attended the event and they were enthusiastic participants in our discussion. I felt safe, accepted and encouraged throughout my presentation...what a great atmosphere! So here's a shout out to the awesome staff and youth at Nexus...you rock!!!
I was also very happy to be able to secure a second speaker for our Bell Let's Talk evening. Josh is a teen mentor at Credit Valley Hospital's Child and Family Teen Run Group Therapy Program, created by social worker Dan McGann. He has a powerful story to tell and the youth were absolutely spellbound by his sharing. I see great things ahead for Josh and feel so glad that he chose life over suicide.
Bell Let's Talk Mississauga 2015 has been an amazing experience from conception to completion. Moving way out of my comfort zone by cold calling potential speakers and venues + delivering a 45 minutes presentation without reading off a script has shown me that anything is possible. I look forward to more breakthroughs ahead as I pursue my passion of spreading holistic mental wellness. Thank you for your love and support, it is very much appreciated!
P.S. - Special shout-outs are definitely in order to two INCREDIBLE communities I belong to: Live Your Legend Toronto & Start Small in 2015! Thanks guys for believing in me and encouraging me to pursue my dreams...you are the best cheerleaders ever!!
Dear friends,
I have been inactive for a few months as Tselumiere Express. The reason is because I have discovered a passion even deeper than writing, that of promoting holistic mental wellness.
This was sparked by an open mic hosted by the awesome Studio 89 cafe in Mississauga where I shared my poetry in public for the very first time! It was a beautiful experience where I felt Spirit leading me to share about my bipolar journey as two other artists before me shared about mental health too and coincidentally I just found out on that day that it was World Mental Health Day.
The response from the crowd was powerful and encouraging. I hadn't even gotten to my poem yet and they were already clapping! I shared the poem from my last entry A Sky Full of Stars and was overcome with emotion as I read it from my iPad. Later the hostess sent me a message thanking me for sharing my poem and that it had brought her to tears.
That evening inspired me to start Shine On You Holistic Mental Wellness. And I've had more opportunities to share my story publicly since. Each time I share I feel people's hearts opening to me and connecting with me even though we haven't met personally. And often people will come up to me afterwards and share about their own struggles or that of their loved ones. I'm realizing that by sharing my story it gives permission for others to share their own journey as well. When the stigma of mental illness is broken through openness and dialogue, there's an immediate kinship that happens. That's the power of the Bell Let's Talk campaign so I'm committing to keep sharing and opening the way for a revolution in mental wellness where people no longer have to suffer in silence.
You can learn more about this dream on my Facebook page Shine On You Holistic Mental Wellness. A website is in development so stay tuned! In the meanwhile if you would like to connect with me or help in this initiative please leave your comments below. Thank you for your love and support and I look forward to the adventures ahead! :)
